...on waiting till I’m ready...
...till everything is just right.We all know when that is most of the time.
Now.
Does it ever happen to you as well? That guilty I'll start tomorrow, on Monday, when I'm done cleaning, cooking, after just this one episode. I just need to read this book first, attend that seminar or retreat, talk to this guru, and then I'll start. Can we ever have enough information, enough preparation? Enough readiness? Those forgotten new year's resolutions... they have a land of their own, behind the mountains of remorse and the lake of excuses. For some people this land is even further away; one gets there through plains of self-pity and valleys of anger. But the truth is that one never really goes there.
The trouble is not that we are postponing that task, we are really putting off our life. When does that start? When will I stop doing everything else, and everything else, and everything else?
Time... always always always trying to manage to do it all and every time failing to accomplish it... I’ve been trying for so long, always with the same hope at first and then beating myself up for having wasted so much of my time.
How about introducing some change. How about trying it differently this time. Just this time.
What if I paused and remained lovingly and patiently for a little while in my undecidedness, in my unwillingness to do what I think I should be doing, in my unwillingness to start? And then perhaps accepted it. What if I paused in that stream of judgement, stress and distractedness, and just accepted this situation of mine, this moment, myself.
The thing is, I am deeply flawed. That’s the way I am. And guess what, it’s alright. The One up there and everywhere loves me just as I am. I don’t need to perfect myself, to improve myself - I need to accept all of me, with everything; with the black, with the white, and with everything in between. Nothing in me is good or bad, it’s all part of the whole which is me, and a wholeness contains everything. It’s not for me to judge it, just to accept it.
What if I accepted time as something that is a part of my experience here, as a friend, a teacher, and not something that’s blocking me, tormenting me and controlling me and I have to fight it. Time is like karma, impartial, unbiased and just. A teacher, a gift, a tool for our growth.
What if I accepted time, accepted everything about it, all of its qualities: the fact that it flows and passes ceaselessly for everyone on Earth, that we can’t get it back, rewind it nor skip some of it, that we can’t slow it down or speed it up. That we can only live it. Live in it. We can be conscious of it and walk through it with awareness, in the light of our consciousness, noticing it, savoring it.
Time isn’t unlimited, we all have our portion. What if I perceived it as a beautiful, precious gift? Not I have time, or time has me. I am. And time is. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.
Now.
Life is now. When else?
Time is not my enemy. What if I stopped complaining about it and appreciated it, thanked it?
Not to stop the time, but to stop myself. And accepted that I am learning and am still not very good at it, that I haven't used a lot of my time very well... Accepted that time is my task. How do I know this? Because I struggle with it. Time exists only so that we could learn how to make good use of it. Do you think there’s such thing as time up there and everywhere?
Acceptance. And then, listen to your heart, your soul... What do you desire? What would you really like to do now? What do you not have enough of? What do you feel most drawn to? What do you need? And after that, an impulse, a gentle push of a deep yearning, a flash of an idea, when your heart skips a beat or begins to beat even faster. And then... do it. Take action.
Often the most difficult thing is just to get up and start. What’s stopping you? What’s making you postpone it now?
It may be hard to do it. It may require diligence, patience, sacrifice of other things, and most of all awareness. What if I accepted that? Yes, it may involve all of these. That’s the way it may be. It may be hard. And it won’t be perfect. Accept this, this fear, this unwillingness, hesitation. It’s yours, because you’re experiencing it now. And then it can change. Maybe it won’t be that hard. Maybe all it takes it to begin and let your intuition guide you. Ask her to give you direction.
Life is now. What if you were conscious and aware of it? Don’t wait too long. Act as soon as you feel the impulse. Get up. Go. Don’t think it through, don’t rationalize. Don’t say But I don’t know how. Get to work and let it lead you. Your soul knows what to do. God knows what to do. Your mind doesn’t need to know it. Give up the need to control everything, to know and understand everything. You won’t. Give up the need to have a perfect plan of twelve logical, well thought of points. It’s more than enough that you know point 1. That’s more than enough.
And maybe it won't be going smoothly at first. You will feel that it isn’t exactly that. Not that it’s not perfect (because it will never be), but that you’re not in the flow yet, that it’s not resonating with you fully. But that will come! If you desire to write, sit down to a notebook and put the tip of your pen to the first line, and write the first word. First thing that comes to your mind - anything. It doesn’t have to be (and it won’t be) the perfect first word. It won’t be like your overly strict mind wants it to be, you most likely won't perform like it requires you to perform. Alright? So just write. Do it!
And then, slowly, it will come to you. You will get into the flow, you’ll tune in, connect, break through. It will come. And over time it will be easier. You will get better.
What if we were willing to go through many many many many attempts and “failures” to get to the real and truthful?
What if we rejoiced at every mistake?
What’s a mistake anyway?
A lesson.
Learn it.
And move on.
Create some more.
