Where are you going?

This is part 27 of my 'Led By Heart' series for the 31-day writing challenge. You can find the list of all my 31 posts here. Click here to check out the other participating blogs!

I know, I know. I like asking questions. I ask them a lot.

Because I believe that if you really take the time to answer at least some of them for yourself, you will see your perception change.

You know, I also get asked a lot of questions. And one of the most frequent ones lately has been Have you considered going back home?

It's logical because I don't have a job here, besides my man I've only got one friend in the UK, I have zero social life (it's difficult to have one without money), and it is sometimes hard to remain cheerful when I'm isolated from everyone, keeping myself occupied with this or that, wanting to feel like I'm NOT wasting my time, while there's this other part of me that keeps telling me that I am. Sometimes I can even forget where I'm living now. And the world outside our windows seems so awfully peaceful and organized, and my thoughts and feelings are so not... And on the streets everybody seems to know where they're going while I'm just wandering around. And they all look like they belong somewhere and like they know what I don't about how to get in control of your life and make it happen.

And yet, deep down I do not envy them.

And my answer to that question is always: Yes, briefly. But I'm staying here.

Do you want to know why?

Because I've made a decision that I am not going back home until I have my victory or until all the Heavens come down to tell me that it's time to go!

I'm way past that point where I would fool myself into thinking that if I'm lost here, I can find myself somewhere else. No, you find stuff right where you've lost it. I'm way past that point where I would retreat back into my comfort zone when I've finally managed to break through it, albeit just a little bit. I'm not going back home until I have found out why I've been led here in the first place, until I've finished what I'm supposed to accomplish here, until I've discovered what I'm capable of.

I am not going anywhere until I've made the most of where I am right now.

As one of my favourite authors, Joyce Meyer, says: Don't ever move until you've bloomed where you're at!

And that's not really something anyone can decide about. That's how things are. You're never going to move forward until you've learnt all you were supposed to learn from that situation, and until you've accepted it AND yourself as you are/have been.

Of course, there are situations which you simply have to run away from, like those that threaten your life, physical or mental health, or general wellbeing. But even then, do make sure to always learn your lessons fully. If only so that you won't make the same mistake again. Don't ever shy away from an opportunity to grow. Yes, it is hard. It requires perseverance, patience and trust. But it is worth it.

I know my adventure here in the UK will be worth it. There's a promise nestled in my heart, there's a purpose behind everything I'm going through. There's my life, my potential, and that quiet yearning to follow my calling to be fulfilled.

So my questions for you today are:

Where are you going?
Have you bloomed where you're at?

Led By Heart: how to forgive

This is part 17 of my 'Led By Heart' series for the 31-day writing challenge. You can find the list of all my 31 posts here. Click here to check out the other participating blogs!

Throughout my life I've read and heard many reasons why forgiveness is necessary. Why we need to forgive. The one which resonated with me for quite some time was that by forgiving we're doing ourselves a favour; we're letting go of something that's been weighing us down, causing us distress and pain, while the person behind all that doesn't know about our feelings and maybe doesn't even care. I liked the idea that I was supposed to do it for me, to have a peace of mind, while it remained clear that what that person did was wrong.

But over time I began to see things differently. Now, I think that forgiveness is not as much of a favour, as it is a service. And we know that service is always beneficial for both sides; and it's only right that it is so. To me, forgiveness isn't complete if we still view the other person as bad, as a wrongdoer, a culprit. And we can't forgive fully if we do it just for ourselves. As always, there's a bigger scheme, which we're part of, but we can't perceive it in its entire complexity.

When it comes to forgiving, there are at least two things we should keep in mind:

Everything happens for a reason.

We are all much more connected than we think.

So, why a service? Because I need forgiveness as much as you do. We all need to be forgiven.

And yes, if you are a believer, it it true that God forgives us everything, and He sees us as perfect, holy and most beloved. But that's not where it ends! Because now it's our turn. We are asked to forgive each other.

I like to think that people who do 'wrong', even those who commit evil things, are living in a dream, yet, to them it's very real. For some of them it resembles a nightmare, a living hell from which they cannot escape. Others think they thrive - or at least they want to - in their false reality. None of them knows who they really are. They identify themselves with untruthful idols, rules and all kinds of illusions. They have been deceived and live in a world of retribution, punishment, offense, hardship. And so, their deeds and actions reflect their desperation. Wouldn't you be desperate too if you were in their place?

Perhaps that's easy to say. Maybe something horrible has happened to you, something that seems unforgivable. But believe me, your suffering is theirs. And it could be tremendously hard, it could take a very long time, but I pray that one day you'll be able to see that forgiveness is the only answer.

Here's a couple of tips that could help you:

get it all out
If you still have repressed, hidden anger, reproaches and tears within you, you have to release it all before you'll be able to move on and be free.
One of my spiritual teachers taught me this little ritual that you could try: go somewhere where you will be alone and uninterrupted, grab two chairs, place them opposite one another, sit down. If you want, you can light a candle and place it between you and the empty chair. Try to imagine that the person you want to forgive is sitting there (and they are, in spirit). Now, if there's anything you need to tell them, do it. You can yell at them, berate them, cry, pour your heart out. Talk until there's nothing more to say.

return to your heart
Once the greyness is gone, you'll be able to see things in a new light. As always, talk to your heart, not your mind, about what you should do next or what it is that you haven't seen till now with regards to what happened. Your answers are there. Ask for a renewed perception. Or ask my favourite question of all time: What would Love do?

know
Know who you are (who we are, really). Know that whatever happened, it is over, and you are beyond that. Your life is now. Rely on your heart and believe it when it tells you that you have forgiven. Know that it is so.



How have you dealt with (un)forgiveness in your life?

On waiting till Monday...

...on waiting till I’m ready...

...till everything is just right.

We all know when that is most of the time.

Now.

Does it ever happen to you as well? That guilty I'll start tomorrow, on Monday, when I'm done cleaning, cooking, after just this one episode. I just need to read this book first, attend that seminar or retreat, talk to this guru, and then I'll start. Can we ever have enough information, enough preparation? Enough readiness? Those forgotten new year's resolutions... they have a land of their own, behind the mountains of remorse and the lake of excuses. For some people this land is even further away; one gets there through plains of self-pity and valleys of anger. But the truth is that one never really goes there.

The trouble is not that we are postponing that task, we are really putting off our life. When does that start? When will I stop doing everything else, and everything else, and everything else?

Time... always always always trying to manage to do it all and every time failing to accomplish it... I’ve been trying for so long, always with the same hope at first and then beating myself up for having wasted so much of my time.

How about introducing some change. How about trying it differently this time. Just this time.

What if I paused and remained lovingly and patiently for a little while in my undecidedness, in my unwillingness to do what I think I should be doing, in my unwillingness to start? And then perhaps accepted it. What if I paused in that stream of judgement, stress and distractedness, and just accepted this situation of mine, this moment, myself.

The thing is, I am deeply flawed. That’s the way I am. And guess what, it’s alright. The One up there and everywhere loves me just as I am. I don’t need to perfect myself, to improve myself - I need to accept all of me, with everything; with the black, with the white, and with everything in between. Nothing in me is good or bad, it’s all part of the whole which is me, and a wholeness contains everything. It’s not for me to judge it, just to accept it.

What if I accepted time as something that is a part of my experience here, as a friend, a teacher, and not something that’s blocking me, tormenting me and controlling me and I have to fight it. Time is like karma, impartial, unbiased and just. A teacher, a gift, a tool for our growth.

What if I accepted time, accepted everything about it, all of its qualities: the fact that it flows and passes ceaselessly for everyone on Earth, that we can’t get it back, rewind it nor skip some of it, that we can’t slow it down or speed it up. That we can only live it. Live in it. We can be conscious of it and walk through it with awareness, in the light of our consciousness, noticing it, savoring it. 

Time isn’t unlimited, we all have our portion. What if I perceived it as a beautiful, precious gift? Not I have time, or time has me. I am. And time is. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

Now.

Life is now. When else?

Time is not my enemy. What if I stopped complaining about it and appreciated it, thanked it?
Not to stop the time, but to stop myself. And accepted that I am learning and am still not very good at it, that I haven't used a lot of my time very well... Accepted that time is my task. How do I know this? Because I struggle with it. Time exists only so that we could learn how to make good use of it. Do you think there’s such thing as time up there and everywhere?

Acceptance. And then, listen to your heart, your soul... What do you desire? What would you really like to do now? What do you not have enough of? What do you feel most drawn to? What do you need? And after that, an impulse, a gentle push of a deep yearning, a flash of an idea, when your heart skips a beat or begins to beat even faster. And then... do it. Take action.
Often the most difficult thing is just to get up and start. What’s stopping you? What’s making you postpone it now?

It may be hard to do it. It may require diligence, patience, sacrifice of other things, and most of all awareness. What if I accepted that? Yes, it may involve all of these. That’s the way it may be. It may be hard. And it won’t be perfect. Accept this, this fear, this unwillingness, hesitation. It’s yours, because you’re experiencing it now. And then it can change. Maybe it won’t be that hard. Maybe all it takes it to begin and let your intuition guide you. Ask her to give you direction.

Life is now. What if you were conscious and aware of it? Don’t wait too long. Act as soon as you feel the impulse. Get up. Go. Don’t think it through, don’t rationalize. Don’t say But I don’t know how. Get to work and let it lead you. Your soul knows what to do. God knows what to do. Your mind doesn’t need to know it. Give up the need to control everything, to know and understand everything. You won’t. Give up the need to have a perfect plan of twelve logical, well thought of points. It’s more than enough that you know point 1. That’s more than enough. 

And maybe it won't be going smoothly at first. You will feel that it isn’t exactly that. Not that it’s not perfect (because it will never be), but that you’re not in the flow yet, that it’s not resonating with you fully. But that will come! If you desire to write, sit down to a notebook and put the tip of your pen to the first line, and write the first word. First thing that comes to your mind - anything. It doesn’t have to be (and it won’t be) the perfect first word. It won’t be like your overly strict mind wants it to be, you most likely won't perform like it requires you to perform. Alright? So just write. Do it!

And then, slowly, it will come to you. You will get into the flow, you’ll tune in, connect, break through. It will come. And over time it will be easier. You will get better.

What if we were willing to go through many many many many attempts and “failures” to get to the real and truthful?
What if we rejoiced at every mistake?
What’s a mistake anyway?

A lesson.

Learn it.

And move on.

Create some more.