This is part 6 of my 'Led By Heart' series for the 31-day writing challenge. You can find the list of all my 31 posts here. Click here to check out the other participating blogs!
I thought it would be the ultimate happiness, to move to London. To live in England. I've always loved it there, the countryside of every hue of green, the lush, burgeoning nature, picturesque villages with stone and timber-framed cottages, the rolling hills, woods full of bluebells, ancient stone circles, moors, even the bustling cities...
Whenever I walked through those places I felt a deep connection, it was as if my soul became larger, as if it was spreading out further and further around me, it was as if the land I was standing on was emanating a kind of an all-encompassing energy which to me sounded like a most alluring song. And my soul got immediately in tune with it. Sometimes, it would make me forget about the beauty of my own homeland. I thought it would be a bliss.
I thought that 'a change of scenery', a fresh new beginning would mean a brand new life, too. A brand new me. I was convinced that I would finally be able to do everything I never had time for, that my goals would somehow be easier to accomplish, that my story would unfold more smoothly, that I would be free. Free to do anything, free to be myself. Not that I knew what or who I really was.
But then I realized that 'the big move' simply didn't do the trick. It was at the moment when I found myself sitting in our new flat alone, miserable, feeling terribly sorry for myself (isn't that the worst?). In that moment it dawned on me that even though I'd changed my outer circumstances, I physically moved to a new place, I still brought all of my baggage with me. And by baggage I mean... my unresolved issues, me, really. Suddenly I saw the plain fact - that no matter where I go, there I am. I just always tag along. I bring myself everywhere with me. And all my problems, too. And then I thought, what I felt had been lying heavy on my heart for quite some time, that I actually viewed myself as a burden. Basically, as a nuisance which is always present, causing troubles, delays, disappointments, stress. Oh dear... That wasn't really the most uplifting discovery. And it didn't offer any solutions either. I knew I was my own worst enemy - because, to be honest, nothing was/is/will be ever standing in my way, preventing me from leading a fulfilling life or 'making my dreams come true', but me. It's all my work. By what could I do?
I also knew that it wouldn't help to go back home. I would be just as lost there. No, I knew I had to tackle this thing right where I was. I said to myself:
If you can't be happy right where you are, you won't be happy no matter where you go. Maybe it will seem better for a while, but soon it will all go back to its former state, you will go back to your old ways, your old mindset. I knew I had to stay here and fight the good fight, but I couldn't figure out
how. That's when I became serious with God. I needed Him, and still do, to guide me and strengthen me. With Him, no problem is insurmountable and so I must trust.
Still, some days I dream of being back home, I imagine myself in my bedroom, with my books on the bedside table... our kitchen and my mum there, our cat. I see our street, my way to the bus stop, even the ugly supermarket where I never liked to go. I picture myself walking on the waterfront in the centre of the town, the river sparkling, the Castle up there on the hill. Sitting in a tea room and chatting with my friends. I even miss that job which I found so exhausting at times (but it was rewarding, too). Now that I just haven't been able to find any work for months. And maybe I secretly don't want to find it because I'm scared and I don't trust in myself...
But I must believe that there's a way through this. I know, though too often forget, that He is with me and that He has a good plan for me - after all, that's why He guided me here. Now, in this moment, and in all those to come, I must choose to remember that it was Love that's brought me here, and to have hope. It will all come together.
And every day is new.
